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Buffet Strategies

by Paul Bell

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My first ever foray into the world of rap, this is a song about the way I approach a buffet. I recorded this during lockdown. Check out the video on my YouTube and social media.


Here we are at the wedding, and I don’t mean to be rude
But already my attention is turning to food
It’s getting late, about a quarter past eight
So excuse me if I’m starting to salivate

My hungry eyes can’t help but check out
Every platter and bowl that’s being brought out
My mouth’s getting ready for something to chew
Because we only got invited to the evening do

The dance floor fills with 8-year olds
‘Fernando’ blasts out on the stereo
Now comes the end of all my waiting and hopin’
As I hear the DJ say “the buffet is now open”.

I’m poised, I’m ready to spring into action
Once the queue has subsided to my satisfaction
I approach without fear or trepidation
Cos I know how to handle myself at a reception…

Buffet strategies
Buffet strategies
(These are my…)
Buffet strategies

Walking up to the table, please don’t disturb me
I’m assessing the feast that’s laid out before me
Whatever reactions run through my head
I agree with my neighbour “It’s a lovely spread”.

You gotta beware the unsupervised children
Grabbing handfuls of Wotsits then off they run…
Someone’s combined the frazzles with the quavers
But when it comes to crisps, you should never mix your flavours

It’s worse when they mix up the regular crisps
You never know what will be passing your lips
It’s a voyage into the unknown, but it’s never a fun-one
Will it be salt and vinegar, or cheese and onion

Wedges, crisps, chicken nuggets, chips
A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips
But you can’t deny, there’s no point getting ragey
It feels so good to eat something that’s beige-y

Buffet strategies
Buffet strategies
(These are my…)
Buffet strategies

My palms are sweaty, knees weak, plate is heavy
There’s humous on my tie already, so carb-heavy
I’m nervous, but on the surface I look calm and ready
Gimme something meaty, something green, something bready.

Now I’m looking for something spicy to snaffle
Is that a bhaji, or maybe a falafel?
This is the arena that keeps me coming back
So I always load up on the Indian Snacks

How you handle dips and crudités is up for debate
Should you make your own dip reservoir on your plate?
Or pre-dip your carrots, and pre-dip your celery
Just try a bit to make sure the hummus isn’t fizzy.

You gotta give these things a little thought
Treat the buffet like a mission or olympic sport…
Sometimes we all need a little help
But sometimes you gotta help yourself…

Buffet strategies
Buffet strategies
(You gotta help yourself, y'all)
Buffet strategies

We’re all moving as fast as we are able
If only we could use both sides of the table!
The atmosphere is still fairly cordial
But uh-oh, who’s this having a dawdle…

We’re all quite patient, but seriously, “sheesh!”
How long does it take to choose a slice of quiche?
Could you, get a move on, we’re starting to get bored…
Have you never spread clover on a baguette before?

I know it’s bad manners to consider overtaking,
But can’t you see how many people are waiting
There’s a reason we don’t want you to be slow
Got to grab a decent pudding before they all go

Buffet strategies
Buffet strategies
(There's only one slice of cheesecake left)
Buffet strategies

Now I’ve gone and got myself a tasty coleslaw
With a little ‘tater salad, there’s nothing I like more
Am I worried that they’ve run out of forks?
Not for a minute - I brought my own spork!

No not for me the indignity
Of trying to eat couscous without cutlery.
And when it comes to pudding the spork is still your friend.
Just flip it round and tuck into some trifle with the spoon-end.

Buffet strategies
Buffet strategies
(Flip it round and tuck into some trifle with the spoon end)
Buffet strategies

Now seconds are good but, thirds you might regret it
If you’re contemplating fourths, you should really forget it
Don’t forget the hardest one of the lot
The most important strategy is knowing when to stop

Buffet strategies
Buffet strategies
(The most important strategy is knowing when to stop)

Buffet strategies
Buffet strategies
(The most important strategy is knowing when to stop)


released August 29, 2020
Written, performed, recorded, produced and mixed by Paul Bell. I recorded the guitar and vocal live in my studio, and then added keys, percussion, melodica and BVs.


all rights reserved



Paul Bell Nottinghamshire, UK

"Melodic Bliss" - BBC Introducing.

Paul is a singer, songwriter and worship leader based near Nottingham. Featured on BBC Radio 2, BBC Introducing. Appeared at Greenbelt, Big Church Day Out, Spring Harvest and other UK Festivals

New worship music releasing 2023.
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